Not today. Not now. Right now, gratitude is a challenge. Sitting in a hospital all day with most of my now-changed family. My family of origin in another state, grieving the death of my sister in law, my sister since my teenage years.
No big dinner. No family laughter. Cafeteria food followed by a take-out meal from Chinatown. And suddenly, I crave commercialism. To lose myself in some item that will give me pleasure, offer distraction, fill a hole for a moment. There are many of us in the hospital experiencing a day like all the others have been lately. Stressful. Lonely. Empty, worried eyes.
Today it feels especially important to practice gratitude. Maybe this is what Thanksgiving is truly about.
Finding the color in the bleak grays. The health of our beautiful children. The 28 years of uneventful, healthy Thanksgivings before this one. The decades of life we were able to share with my sister-in-law. Our safe, warm home. Friends. Always the friends. And the joyous holidays ahead of us. Today I learn that gratitude isn’t just a feeling, but must sometimes also be an active choice—a practice. This year I learn to focus on the smallest of gifts and to be grateful.
That's ok. I like a challenge.
A few other gifts:
Red leaves, right outside my window
My new boots (yes, retail therapy is a real thing)
Family art and games
Good scotch
I absolutely love training doulas
I absolutely love teaching/studying karate
I absolutely love my family
Amazing nurses and therapists
The ladies at the desk at Magee, cafeteria workers and others who offer more effective support than the PhD's
Hope
I feel better.
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